I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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