i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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