She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
