foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
