it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
