we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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