i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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