After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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