On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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