Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
