girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The uberlube is also flammable
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoofâ€
Randomize
