Someone shit on the floor
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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