Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
