the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He did a backflip because drugs
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