Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
