I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
