Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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