Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
