Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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