I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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