He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
