I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
