How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need to sanitize my soul.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
