if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
True college students do jello shots in the library
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