I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
