So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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