You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
