So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
