I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
