You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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