3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
