$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
