so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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