my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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