I am puke
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
