There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
