I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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