Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
