okay pat passed out under dana's car
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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