2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
