Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
