I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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