Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
