This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
