I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
