sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
