She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize