I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
