Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
3pm strippers are depressing
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
