Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
