Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
