Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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