I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
